Category Archives: prayer

Senseless

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Katie’s high school graduation is in a little over two weeks. What an exciting time for the kids. Twelve years of mandated school is finally behind them. Some will go on to get jobs and some will go on for further education. Some may not have any idea at all what they’re going to do. But that’s okay because they still have their whole lives ahead of them. They’re standing on the edge of adulthood and the possibilities are endless. They have dreams and plans and whether or not those machinations come to fruition doesn’t really matter right now. The point is they have so much to look forward to.

This is the last week before finals. Today should have been a good day for the students. Today they should have gone to school after a long weekend and tried to focus on their studies, the last week of regular high school classes ever.

Instead it was a somber environment with so much sadness and surreal disbelief. This past Saturday night a young girl named Julie, one of their own, was stabbed to death by her boyfriend. I think most of us have been in a state of shock since hearing about it on Sunday morning. But for the students and teachers it didn’t just sink in this morning, it was driven in with a sledge hammer.

Parents received a letter from the school administration on Sunday morning about the counseling they would have in place when school resumed this morning. A grief counselor actually followed her schedule so he would be in each of her classes. Katie said it was horrible and everybody in the class she shared with Julie, including the grief counselor, was in tears.

I have been in a state of dread all day. Well, for the last two days really, but especially today. I remember when my class had a tragedy and how hard it was to even breathe right after it happened. That was an accident, though. This was not. This was a heinous, horrible, senseless murder. It goes beyond tragedy and straight into horror.

Her parents. Oh my gosh, her parents. They had no idea when she left the house Saturday evening that they would never see her alive again. My heart is in tatters for them. The thoughts that must be going through their minds – questions that will probably haunt them for the rest of their lives.

The counselor told the kids not to try to make sense of this because it can’t be done. I watch all the horrible things that happen on the news and I wonder why. Why are people like this? Why do people hurt other people in this way? What is wrong in them to make them do these things? And then when it happens in your own backyard; when you have a connection with the victim, however slight, it heightens the questions. It makes it all so much more real and so much more confusing.

Katie was understandably subdued when she got home from school today. She didn’t want to go to work tonight and I didn’t want her to go. I wanted to keep her here with me. When she did leave I told her I hoped the evening flew by and to drive safe because it’s rainy. My words were not unusual, but I think the urgency with which I said them probably were. I even made myself stop before I said “I love you”. No doubt that sounds really stupid, but I’m not concerned that she might not know that. I say it all the time. But to say it tonight would have been too desperate.  Which probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me.

I will be glad when she gets home tonight. Maybe the pit in my stomach will lessen just a little. Julie’s parents can’t say the same thing.

Like everybody else, I want to make this bad thing go away. I want to make it all better. They are foolish wants. The only thing I know to do is pray. So I do.

 

Christmas Eve Pretties

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**Another Praise Break**


Little Ian is doing great! Santa found him in the hospital so he didn’t have to miss out on Christmas. After the presents were opened there was a surgical cancellation so he has had a successful port placement and spinal tap with NO evidence of cancer in his nervous system!

Keep those prayers coming!

**End Another Praise Break**

Every year on Christmas Eve our neighborhood sets out luminaries and lights them at 5:00. This year was exceptionally pretty because of the snow. So I give you a little view of our street last night…


The Times, They Are A’changin…

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**Praise Break**


Little Ian’s test results came back with great news!! His leukemia is NOT bi-phenomyopic. He has ALL Leukemia which is the best scenario. His surgery has been moved up to this morning and treatment will begin right away. Now let’s pray for successful treatment with little to no side effects. And I’ll keep you all posted.

**End Praise Break**

So it’s 9:30 on Christmas morning and Katie just got up. Breakfast is still cooking and the boys are watching Casino Royale. Long gone are the days of being woken by two little kids who can hardly wait to go see what Santa brought them.

It’s much more relaxing this way, but it’s kind of sad, too. The contagious “magic” of Christmas morning as seen through the eyes of children is missing. In fact, it hardly feels like a special morning. Except for that we’re all in our Christmas jammies and the smell of a baking breakfast casserole and a roasting turkey is permeating the air. And there are stacks of presents waiting to be ripped opened.

So this year we’ll eat breakfast first and THEN open presents. And the whole time I’ll remember exactly why we’re celebrating Christmas in the first place.

Requesting Prayers for a Christmas Miracle

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I have an urgent prayer request from anybody and everybody. Our good friends, Matt and Carrie Silver, are experiencing something no parent should ever have to. Their 3-year-old son, Ian, was just diagnosed with leukemia. Yesterday they were waiting to find out if it was ALL or ALM (two different types of leukemia which require two different treatment regimens) and this morning he was to have surgery to insert a central line for chemotherapy and a routine spinal tap to see if the cancer has affected the nervous system.

In the midst of all this, however, read what Matt wrote:

We’re finding an inexpressible peace in the middle of all of this chaos. Our lives are radically different today, tomorrow, and in the future but they are in God’s care. Today feels better than yesterday because we are able to deal with more certainty. The medical staff we are dealing with are nothing short of phenomenal. These people LOVE KIDS and are LOVE Ian. Post marrow test, our little hero has not complained about any pain and ran the nurse ragged. She brought him (per his request) three popsicles and two bowls of Fruit Loops.

Yesterday Matt and Carrie asked for these prayers:

- Accurate findings to determine the type of Leukemia
- A good night’s sleep through the night.
- A successful surgery in the morning (spinal tap, chemo tube insertion)
- That he responds well to treatment and we get out of here ASAP
- Nathan (their toddler) feels the love from his family as he need’s to adjust as well

This morning’s surgery was dependent on which type of cancer it is. Said surgery has been cancelled because the labs came back as positive for both ALL and ALM. They are awaiting results of further testing and are praying it is not bi-phenomyopic leukemia, which “would be much harder to treat, is less curable, has higher rates of relapse and as the doc said “is a harder up hill battle”.

I know this is a horrible time for Matt and Carrie, but their faith and reliance on God is so inspiring. My heart hurts for them and there’s a knot in the pit of my stomach. Yet at the same time there is a peace in knowing they have put it all in God’s hands.

Please pray for Matt, Carrie, Nathan, and especially Ian. A Christmas miracle would be greatly appreciated.

I Can’t Be Depressed. I’m A Christian.

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WARNING: The following post may be lengthy, convoluted, angsty and just plain lousy.

I have always been a pretty happy person. Things never really bothered me, I got along well with just about everybody, I was usually good for a smile or a laugh. I’m still that same person, but something has changed over the last couple of years.

Depression is just not something I’ve ever had to deal with. Oh sure, I’ve been sad – I suppose I’ve had situational depression. I would guess everybody has that at one time or another. But I’ve never suffered from clinical depression. Even when I was diagnosed with cancer; even when I was going through chemotherapy; even when Todd was living 1200 miles away – I don’t think I was clinically depressed.

Now? I’m not so sure. Not ever having experienced it before I’m not positive what I’m going through. The word depression has flitted through my conscience, but I dismiss it as soon as it shows up. I’m hesitant to go see my doctor about this because I fear he’ll take the easy way out and say, “Yeah, you’re depressed. Take a happy pill once a day and you’ll be fine.” Now I’m not opposed to that if it’s what I truly need, but I want to be sure before I start popping pretty colored capsules on a regular basis.

A friend of mine used to suffer from severe clinical depression complete with feelings of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. She fought professional help because she had been told one time or another that good Christians didn’t suffer from depression. She also tried to kill herself. Thankfully she has since gotten the help she needs and today she is a happy, thriving, GOOD CHRISTIAN, who manages her condition with medication and counseling. I remember feeling so angry on her behalf that she would have such baggage. Real depression is a physical condition, not a weakness of the mind.

What I’m struggling with in no way mirrors my friend’s struggles and yet I find myself thinking, “If I was just closer to God I wouldn’t be feeling this way.” Makes me want to smack me. Now don’t get me wrong. I wholeheartedly believe Jesus keeps me stabilized. In fact, I KNOW Jesus keeps me stabilized. I’m sure my emotions would be even messier without Him! But there’s definitely something else going on that hasn’t before.

So what IS going on? Is it because my hormones have been totally out of whack for the last few years? I suppose it could be. I’ve also read (but I can’t remember where so I don’t know how reliable this source is) that chemotherapy can cause the chemical imbalance which, in turn, causes depression. I know it’s not a thyroid issue (which can cause similar symptoms) because I get that checked every six months.

But I’m always tired and run down. We missed a party last weekend because by 4:00 my head felt like it would explode and I just wanted to sleep. We made it to a different party this past Friday, but as much as I wanted to go (and did have a great time), I would have been content to stay at home and chill on the sofa. Today I was going to go into Philadelphia with a friend of mine for fun and a free photography lesson (she’s an awesome photographer). I had to back out because I’ve been “too tired and distracted” to finish up something I’d committed to do a while go and it needs to be done by tomorrow.

My house is a wreck and I hate it like this. I’ve never been an exceptional housekeeper, but neither have I ever been as bad as I am now. I care and yet I don’t care. I want it to be clean and tidy but the effort is too much. For a while I just figured my cleaning skills were stagnant from being waited on so much during treatment. That was over three years ago, however, so that excuse has gotten pretty thin. I’m just plain lazy. Except I was never this lazy before.

Most of the time I don’t feel sad so I can’t be depressed, right? I’m just always tired. Unless I’m busy doing something. I love my job and I don’t seem to have the lazy or tired problem there. But when I get home I’m too exhausted to do much of anything. If only I would eat better; exercise regularly; pray and or study my Bible more I would feel like I used to, right? If I would lose weight I would feel better about myself. If my house was clean I would feel better about myself. If I would accomplish something worthwhile I would feel better about myself.

This morning as we were getting ready for church I complained to Todd about having a headache and being tired even though I had a good 8 hours or so of sleep last night. Very cautiously he said, “I’m going to tell you something and I don’t want you to get defensive. I just want you to think about it. You might be depressed.” Instead of getting defensive or thinking about it I told him I thought he might be right.

We talked about it more this evening and I’ve decided to call my doctor tomorrow morning. Todd came right out and said I’ve not been the same for a while. The funny thing is I was fine during the year from hell. So why am I not fine now? Who knows? I suppose I don’t have to know.

There’s a part of me – a fairly large part of me – who hopes I am depressed. It would explain so much of my behavior that I don’t like at all. My laziness, my lack of concentration, my inability to stick to any type of exercise regime or eating plan – things I never had problems with before. Gosh! Maybe that’s why I don’t read like I used to. If there is a medication that I could take temporarily and would help me straighten out my wonkiness that would be great!

But here’s my fear. From the minute I was diagnosed nearly four years ago I became the sole object of Todd’s focus. He treated me like a queen, doting on me every second. When I had my mastectomy the following week he would hardly let anyone near me. He emptied my drains, bathed me, Veeted my legs, brought me food, set me up in the chair or in bed, made sure I was comfortable — you name it, he did it. I worried that as soon as he was left alone and given time to think about our situation he would have a breakdown. Ten days after my surgery he got in his truck and left for the 1200 mile drive.

The first day was fine and he drove to Bristol, Virginia. The next morning after about an hour or so of driving he ended up in an ambulance on his way to a hospital with heart attack symptoms. It all caught up to him and he was put on an antianxiety and an antidepressant. After we were reunited as a family and everything was good again he tried to go off the antidepressant. Turns out the withdrawals from this particular medication are as bad as the original symptoms. So he’s on this drug indefinitely and he hates it. I’m afraid of that happening.

I hope this post hasn’t given the impression that I’m always sad or mopey or distraught. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m not severely depressed – I don’t feel hopeless and I’m not having suicidal tendencies AT ALL. It doesn’t effect my job or my marriage or my parenting (I don’t think, anyway). I would guess most people I know have no idea I’ve been having these struggles, though there were a couple people at church this morning who could tell something wasn’t right. But that’s because all of this came to a head today.

So why tell you all this? I’m not sure. Maybe for some wise words from those of you who have similar struggles. Maybe for prayers. Maybe because writing all this down is good therapy. Or maybe just to say that even a good Christian can be depressed.

A Heavy Heart

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Some very special friends of ours are going through something horrendous right now. Todd and I have both shed tears today at the thought of their circumstances and the difficult decisions they’re facing. “Difficult” seems too benign a word. Sometimes recipes are “difficult”. Sometimes people are “difficult”. Parking a landboat in a crowded lot is “difficult”. What they’re experiencing right now goes so far beyond “difficult”, but I don’t know what other word to use.

The one shining light in all this? I can’t elaborate, but these friends are more extraordinary than we ever realized and it is a blessing to see how God is at work in their lives even through this mess. At how they’re ALLOWING God to be at work in their lives even through this mess.

This is only the beginning of what will be a terrible season of their lives. My heart is breaking for them and if I hurt this much, how much more do they hurt? Please pray for them. You don’t need to know the details. God knows exactly who you’re thinking of.

Toddy and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

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Todd is having oral surgery in about an hour. Not quite three years ago he had a root canal, post and crown in one of his lower molars. It never felt quite right and a week or so ago it was decided the root of the tooth is probably cracked. His dentist removed the crown and the post and today he goes to an oral surgeon to have the rest of the tooth removed and, hopefully, an implant inserted. After a few months he’ll go in an have a crown applied to the implant.

The remaining root is very close to the nerve in the jaw and I’ve been praying – almost desperately – that the surgery goes smoothly and without incident. I know that’s a pretty common prayer, but most of you guys don’t know Todd. He used to have If It Can Go Wrong It Will tattooed on his forehead.

Not today, though. This morning he will go in, they’ll blessedly knock him out, the root will come out, they’ll insert the implant and BAM! He’ll be all done. And any prayers to this end would be greatly appreciated.

And I’ll be reading The Shack in the waiting room. (What!? This is my blog so I have to make it about me somehow!)

VICTORY!!

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A month or so ago I told you about some folks who were in jeopardy of losing their home – The “The Just Plain Wrong” portion of The Good, The Bad, and the Just Plain Wrong. Last night the Township Supervisors voted unanimously for a resolution to ban the condemnation of these two properties for use in building a new park or anything else. The Township building was packed with concerned citizens – we didn’t all fit in the actual room and spilled out into the foyer. As you can imagine, there was much applause when the resolution was adopted.

***

When Todd lived at home he would gripe at his dad for not turning the heater on in the early mornings. (Contrary to what some of you may think, early morning in SoCal can be pretty chilly) Now that HE’S the homeowner it’s like pulling teeth to get him to turn on the heater. Thankfully for the rest of us, he’s out of town. Monday night I turned the heater on and it’s a good thing I did. It was 34 degrees yesterday morning! When I told him I turned on the heater he said, “But it’s only October!” I may need to put a lock on the thermostat so he can’t turn it off when he gets home!

***

I watched about an hour of the debate last night. I couldn’t stomach any more than that. This is a totally bipartisan opinion. I’m sick and tired of the lying, the embellishing, the partial truths, the mud slinging — both sides are just as guilty as the other. Frankly, I don’t know who or what to believe. I can’t decide if it keeps getting worse or if it’s just that I keep getting older and am paying closer attention. Whatever the case, I’ll go vote my conscience on that first Tuesday in November and pray for our country and whoever ends up in the White House.

***

Now for the really big news! I’m picking up Sing 4 Joy and God’s Guitar Girl from the airport tonight! Then tomorrow I’ll get to meet His Girl and a few other Chicas! And they’re even going to let me hang out with them on Friday evening and Sunday evening!

Tomorrow I’m taking S4J and GGG into Philadelphia and dropping them off to do their thing while I take the kids to the Franklin Institute to see the Pirates Exhibit (Argh!) and then we might get to catch up with our Hawaiian friends for a bit!

Busy, busy, busy, but FUN, FUN, FUN!

***

As for the hair cut, I’m loving it!! As far as putting a picture on my blog, well, you’ll just have to wait. I’m sure I’ll be posting a few photos from this weekend and you can see it then. But don’t hold me to that!!

***

Okay. I’m off to make my house somewhat presentable for the girls. Gotta go!!

Learning from the Beatles – Part II

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I’ve been kind of, um, oh, I don’t know. “Pissy” is the best word I can think of to describe my attitude lately. Not really angry or mean, but not in the best humor, either. Little things bug me and I don’t have my usual ocean of patience. Okay. Maybe not “usual ocean”, but just not as much patience as I usually have – whatever that may be.

There’s no discernible reason for my less than cheery attitude. Not one that I can come up with anyway. And since introspection is not my thing I’ll just let it ride its course and hopefully it will be over with ASAP.

The beeping alarm at 6:30 this morning did little to improve my mood. If it hadn’t been such a chore to open my eyes I would have glared daggers at Todd for agreeing to go to the 8:00 service. I knew my disposition was not exactly pleasing to God and I really tried to change the direction of my thoughts, but I was just so tired. And being so tired was making me pouty and grumbly. I get up at 6:30 five days a week just so I can see Taylor before he leaves for school at 6:45! Isn’t that sacrifice enough?? Have I told you in the last week just how much I HATE the morning? Especially when it’s cold and the bed is so toasty warm and snuggly.

The hot shower did help quite a bit and by the time we got to church I was feeling much better in my spirit. That’s just one of the ways I know we’re at the right place. I almost get excited when I pull into the parking lot and then when I see my friends I DO get excited.

Today’s Beatles song was “We Can Work It Out” and the topic was anger. Uh, God? Are you talkin’ to me? You? Talkin’ to me? So I’m not yelling at my family or giving them the cold shoulder or even keeping everything inside (because I don’t know what ‘everything’ is), but I am letting stupid things grate on me.

I know God is bigger than the boogy man (Ha! I typed booby man!) and I’m really good about giving all the big stuff to Him. Where I have a problem is not wanting to bother him with the little, seemingly insignificant stuff. Like my inexplicable irritations. And the explicable ones, for that matter. Bad Jen!

So I’m in a waaaay better mood right now. And I don’t think it’s just because I’m all alone and nobody is here to bug me. I’ll let you know in another hour when I’m not all alone. I suppose the true test will be this evening when I’m working registration for the youth group. If 150 (or so) teenagers don’t ruffle my feathers then I’ll know for sure!

A Good Day??

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I think today was a pretty good day despite the fact we decided to attend the new 8:00 service this morning. We’ve been going to the 11:30 service from the beginning, but now that we’ve outgrown our parking lot and building and need to spread out the attendance, the church has added a fourth service – 8:00. A couple weeks ago they asked for volunteers and Todd made me write on the attendance card that we would go to the 8:00 service until the new building is finished in April. APRIL! 8:00! A!M!

In case you’re new to the party, I do not do mornings very well. So I consider this a sacrifice for Jesus because that’s how I roll.

A nice little surprise was seeing my friend, Beans, at the same service. She came and sat with us so that was good.

Today’s message was the first in a series called Everything I Learned About Life I Learned From The Beatles. That went a long way in assuaging my gripey, too-early, caffeine-deprived self because I love me some Beatles. Today’s song was Help!, one of my favorites. Brian Jones, the pastor, transitioned nicely from the rock song to Psalm 121.

I lift my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Another score! This is one of my favorite passages of scripture. I was challenged to memorize it several years ago in a women’s bible study, only to cling to it and make it my anthem, if you will, when I was diagnosed. Funny thing is I just commented this very thing on our women’s blog about prayers and such yesterday.

One more bonus about going to the 8:00 service is that we were home about the time we usually start getting ready for church. Sunday mornings have been slow and lazy, but I actually like having a longer day. Especially when it’s rainy like today. Even if it does mean I have to get up earlier than I think is appropriate on God’s day of rest.

I’ve also had some moments today I don’t necessarily enjoy. I’m working on two separate writing projects, both dealing with cancer, and it makes me go places I’d rather forget about. But I know I have to – not just for the writing, but because ignoring the still raw spots don’t make them go away. And I keep thinking I’m past the hurt, but obviously I’m not. Oh, it’s very true that time heals old wounds, but the scars never completely fade.

But this stirring of emotions wasn’t enough to ruin my day. Strangely, I think it added to the goodness. Because even though these memories remind me of sad and sometimes terrible things, they also remind me that my help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. The whole time I was in the bad and scary place he watched over me, never sleeping even a second. And it just doesn’t get any gooder than that.