Guilty Pleasure

My heart was still very heavy this morning. How could it not be?

Not only because of my last post, but also because some good friends of ours are going through a horrible time. I want so much to wave my magic wand and make everything all better RIGHT NOW. This problem, though, is kind of unimaginable and is going to take a whole lot more than just a wave of that wand.

And then yesterday we all woke to news of a horrible earthquake and deadly tsunami in Japan, more than 1,000 known dead at this time, possible radiation leaks from a nuclear reactor… it all sounds like another one of those epic apocalyptic movies that have been so popular in the last few years. It’s hard to wrap my mind around so much devastation on such a grand scale.

But I had plans yesterday. A part of me felt almost like I should cancel my plans because it wouldn’t be right to enjoy myself when so much heartache is going on around us. That guilt didn’t win, however, and I’m so glad. Instead, I had one of the best days I ever remember having. Taylor and I went to Lancaster for the day – just the two of us. We went to the cannery and to Kitchen Kettle Village and ate whoopie pies and drank coffee and tasted jams and peanut butters and dips and just talked. He even went into a craft store with me and I dare say he enjoyed it!

Sometimes I miss my babies to the point of hurting. How I long for those days when I was their everything and they would sit on my lap and snuggle with me and want to be with me all the time. Don’t get me wrong. I remember thinking “Please just leave me alone for 10 minutes. That’s all I ask.” But now he’s off at college doing exactly what he’s supposed to be doing and Katie’s busy being a 16-year-old and doing exactly what she’s supposed to be doing. And that brings me an inordinate amount of joy. What a blessing to see what they’re becoming. And they’re becoming these incredible people that I’m so proud of.

But yesterday was just me and my boy. I wish I could express in words just how wonderful it was. “Delightful”? “Pleasant”? “Enjoyable”? I don’t think any of those words do it justice. My heart and my soul were near to bursting yesterday with the joy of just hanging out with my boy. And though I miss those days when they were young and their worlds revolved around me, I wouldn’t trade yesterday’s excursion for anything.

Tomorrow he goes back to school and I’ll miss him. But I’m also glad for him. He loves school and he loves the kids he’s gotten to become friends with. Our lives will get back to normal and things will go on as usual. But yesterday – and today – I had to put off mourning the external things that make me sad so I could just focus on something that makes me overjoyed.