My Funny Valentine(‘s Day)

Today has been a very special Valentine’s Day for me. And by “special”, I mean unusual and not really in the good way. You see, I’m having a colonoscopy tomorrow. Which means today I’ve been on a liquid diet and am currently working on 64 ounces of Gatorade with a Miralax mixer.

I started the morning with my usual large cup of coffee at work. That was nice. Then I had a cup of strawberry Jell-O. That was okay. Then one of the teachers came upstairs with these beautiful chocolate dipped strawberries that she had made for her class party and offered them to anyone who wanted one. Why in the world would I want a big, luscious looking, chocolate dipped strawberry when I had blue raspberry Italian ice in the freezer? Probably because the blue raspberry Italian ice was disgustingly icky and sickly sweet.

No matter, though. I was busy and the paperwork I found myself entrenched in went a long way to keep my mind off food. Except for the image of a juicy cheeseburger that kept popping into my head. And just when I thought I had beaten that particular beast, Qdoba showed up with food for a department leader’s meeting in the next room. Oh, the smell. The mouthwatering smell. So I pulled out the big guns. A cup of orange Jell-O and a bottle of Lipton Green Tea with Citrus.

By 1:30 I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get out of there! So I came home with the thought that I could just curl myself up into a little ball in my bed and hopefully drift off into hunger-free unconsciousness. Instead I had a cup of beef broth and as I sipped it I kept thinking how much it tasted like a cheeseburger without the cheese or the bun or the condiments or the lettuce and tomato and it strangely made me happy.

So where does the romance on this special day of love come in? Let me tell you. Some women get flowers and some women get chocolates. Some women get both. Some women get candle-lit dinners and jewelry. How much imagination does that take? Not much when men are bombarded by commercials for these ordinary things for weeks ahead of time. Any ninny can come up with such common declarations of amour. But MY man is creative. He sent me a Redbox code so I could stop on my way home and get the free movie of my choice. Any movie I want!

I chose Eat, Pray, Love. Now that I think of it, however, that may not have been the wisest choice after a day of liquids. I understand there’s a lot of delicious-looking food in the movie. Oh well. I’m probably only going to watch 5 minutes at a time anyway. It’s going to be a really long movie!

As a special gift to me he’s going to hook up a DVD player in the room. He might even stay in the room and watch it with me. Then again, he probably won’t.

He offered to buy me Depends and a pine-scented car freshener to hang around my neck so he could take me to the movies. That was thoughtful. He also offered to put a seat belt on the commode and hook up the TV in the bathroom. He’s very considerate that way.

I am a lucky girl.

The best part in all this is that I stand a really good chance of moving ahead in the neighborhood Biggest Loser challenge.

I’ve just about finished my lemon lime Molotov cocktail which means the real fun is about to begin. Good thing I finished this post when I did!