Petri Dish Additives

I now have two more things to add to my ever-growing list of physical complaints. I have developed patches of itchy rashes in various places on my body and I started another bleeding episode. Seriously. I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to. Which I don’t.

I’m not feeling particularly brave or strong or humorous right now. I’m just feeling tired and discouraged and sorry for myself. Each malady by itself is not such a big deal, but the sum of the individual problems is miserable.

The new rash is probably a reaction to all the medicines I’m on. If that’s the case then when I finish the medicines the rash will clear up. So that’s not such a big deal.

The bleeding is unexpected but not a horrible thing, either. I’m scheduled for a D&C and endometrial ablation at the end of the month so this won’t happen again. I was just kind of hoping this wouldn’t happen again before then.

I know this is understated, but cancer sucks. Each and every problem I’ve had in the last two years is a direct result from having cancer. The rashes and blisters and thrush are all because of what chemotherapy did to me. And the bleeding is from the medicine I’m taking to prevent a recurrence.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m very thankful I live at a time when there are these medical resources available to me. And what I’m “suffering” is nothing compared to what a lot of people are going through. I would endure this every day for the rest of my life if it meant I wouldn’t have to watch my children become gravely ill or injured or worse.

Even so, I just want to be normal. I want a normal day where I do normal chores and plant flowers and run errands without a thought. I want to be a mom to my kids and a wife to my husband. I want to congregate at the corner with the other neighborhood moms to discuss Desperate Housewives and swap recipes. I want to go more than 15 minutes without itching, tingling, burning, hurting and be conscious all at the same time.

I know eventually this will all clear up and I can go about the business of living. Optimist me says it will be within the next week or two. Pessimist me says it’s already been five months of one thing or another, what makes me think it’s going to end any time soon.

Instead of giving all my cares and fears and sadness to God today I’ve held on to them to aid me in my pity party. I guess that’s pretty stupid after all the comfort and strength and peace I’ve received from Him. I know firsthand how gracious He is and yet I chose to just be sad and miserable today. Thankfully His mercies are new every morning and tomorrow is a new day.

Whew. While writing my thoughts and feelings is therapeutic, it does NOT make for entertaining blogstuff. I promise not to post anything in this frame of mind for a long time to come.


  1. Victoria Bylin on May 19, 2007 at 8:07 pm

    One of the glorious things about being a Christian is having a God who understands our humanity. You know how Christ went off by himself to be alone? I wonder if he ever stood up in the boat and shouted out of pure frustration. Being God, he probably did a better job of managing his feelings, but we’re human. He knows that. I had a meltdown of my own at work the other day. Long story, details aren’t important. Bottomline is that sometimes our feelings overwhelm us. I was a bit embarrassed to get all teary, but the women I work with all reached out to me. I felt better, and so did they. United we stand!

  2. Deb C on May 19, 2007 at 9:59 pm

    Just dropping by with a hug. Please don’t feel like you always have to come here and write something to entertain us…your loyal readers :)Sometimes things just add up…that is when you need to let your sisters help.A friend of mine said something to me when I was in treatment that I will never froget. She said that when we are too tired or sick to pray, the Holy Spirit knows our heart and prays for us. I liked that.Get some rest. It WILL get better…HugsDeb C

  3. Rosie on May 19, 2007 at 11:32 pm

    Keep writing if it helps…I’d love being invited to any party your are throwing.

  4. April on May 20, 2007 at 3:30 am

    Deb C’s friend was speaking of a great passage in Romans 8 (8:26+). I am glad she shared it…I’m partial to it since it is in context with my blog verse. :)I’ll share a quote with you I shared with Greta. it brought her encouragement when she suffered:”Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace.” -Jerry Bridges, The Disciplines of Grace Jen have you ever heard Ayiesha Woods song “Days”? The chorus goes like this: “If everyday was an easy day then you wouldn’t be able to say that Jesus brought you through.” I just love it. I am praying for you. Sorry for the novel.

  5. Em on May 20, 2007 at 9:24 am

    Jen, if writing is therapeutic for you, then write this every day! We all understand. Meanwhile, I am sending lots of positive energy your way for a better day today!

  6. Travis Erwin on May 20, 2007 at 10:50 am

    Hope all is well in your world very soon.

  7. Jenster on May 20, 2007 at 11:11 am

    Hiya Vicki!! I’m not really sure why I don’t want people to see me like this. Maybe I’m afraid they’ll think my faith isn’t as strong as it should be? Or worse – maybe they would be right. I dunno. But thanks for relating to me so well. :o)DebC – I have a very good friend who lost two of her three teenage children in very tragic circumstances several years ago. She said there were days she just couldn’t pray, but she knew she was covered. What a comfort!Rosie – You’re more than welcome to come to my pity parties!! Just bring chocolate.April – I love that quote. Thanks for it and the prayers. And yes, I do know that song. :o)Em & Travis – Thank you very much. I’m thinking today is already a better day. :o)And Travis – I don’t believe I’ve seen you here before and I’m awfully sorry this was your “Welcome Post”! LOL I’m not usualy quite so tragic.

  8. Trish on May 20, 2007 at 2:08 pm

    You are human. And what I am realizing is that managing emotions is really hard work…I’ve learned to do it up to a point but after a while it feels like trying to keep a leaky boat afloat. Hang in there and write write write. You are among some supportive blog friends.

  9. Patti on May 20, 2007 at 3:51 pm

    a strong faith is built through weakness. god gave us our emotions, the full range, to help us on this journey. those who might think your faith is weak from this entry would be well…

  10. Frannie Farmer on May 20, 2007 at 11:36 pm

    Even so, I just want to be normal.Boy can I understand you there. I won’t even try to pretend that I can relate to Cancer, I can’t. But I seem to spend my life moving from one illness (ache, pain, rash, malady) to the next. I generally get to the point where I don’t even want to tell my Dr. in fear that I will be committed or something .. because I fell like a giant hypochondriac and some days that really makes me ANGRY! OK, your blog, your space .. but Jen I am so glad that you are here … I really truly feel blessed by your story!:)Hugs, Frannie!

  11. yerdoingitwrong on May 21, 2007 at 12:23 am

    Oh wow. I’m visiting via Burg’s site and I’m so very sorry you’re going through all of this. But, I for one am glad you’re writing about it. Please just take it one day at a time and continue to keep the faith. We’re rooting for you!!xo.

  12. Swishy on May 21, 2007 at 2:22 am

    Oh, Jen, Jen, Jen. My heart just goes out to you. I hope you’re feeling better by the time you read this. Your CD’s coming soon … CD and Manic ice cream! Things have got to be looking up! :)Seriously, it is healthy to vent, so no apologies, missy! Feel better.

  13. Sheila on May 21, 2007 at 3:58 am

    Girlie,Please send me your personal email and home address. Love

  14. Jenster on May 21, 2007 at 9:58 am

    Trish – Thanks for the warm fuzzy. :o)Patti – Thanks for visiting and especially thanks for your wise words.Frannie – I’ve realized over the last couple of years that our struggles are relative. Mine aren’t any worse than yours – just different. Know what I mean?? I think I get afraid I’ll freak out people who really know me because I never get depressed. Not much, anyway. Of course, a lot has changed in two years.yerdoingitwrong – first of all I LOVE YOUR SCREEN NAME!! It makes me giggle every time I see it. Thanks for stopping by and for the kind words. And I’ll just keep writing!Swishy – Are you kidding? I’m LIVING for my CD and Cold Stone!! LOL I’ve got a whole day planned around them!! :o)Sheila – Will do, sweetie!! Hope things are good in sunny SoCal! Miss you!!! (When are you coming back East for a visit????)

  15. radioactive girl on May 21, 2007 at 10:25 am

    I completely understand how you are feeling. Every little thing individually is not such a big deal, but when you are dealing wiht all of them together, it sometimes becomes more than a person can handle. I was feeling like this a few weeks ago. There are just so many little things that come up that seem like they should be no big deal, but you know what? They aren’t! I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you!

  16. Kristie (J) on May 21, 2007 at 10:39 am

    Jenster: I know this is weird coming from me because I feel the same way – but being on the other side this time, never feel bad about blogging about the downtimes you experience. They are part of who we have become through experience. Cancer, whether it’s what we ourselves are going through, or what we have gone through with a loved one, makes us different and yet makes us stronger. It is so much a part of what we are now that at times it’s almost impossible to separate.I know for me, I don’t blog that often about it, but when I do, I feel cleansed somehow and better able to go on. Plus, you never know when you might touch someone or give them encouragement; when they might feel more validated that they are feeling the same thing.And we are human. Yes, the Lord will help us with our burdens when we ask Him to, but we are nothing if not stubborn and sometimes don’t ask for the help. That’s normal. And He also knows this and understands this about us and is just there waiting quietly and patiently until we are ready to turn to Him.So blog about it if you need to. It helps centre me and it helps centre you.

  17. Jenster on May 21, 2007 at 3:56 pm

    Radioactive Girl – Yeah – it all adds up. Thanks for the good thoughts!Kristie – I know you’re exactly right. And I appreciate it when other people are so real and transparent and share everything – even the icky stuff. I don’t know why I don’t think I should blog that, too.

  18. Monnik on May 21, 2007 at 10:04 pm

    You just can’t always be sunshine and roses, you know? Sometimes a pity party is just the right thing.What you’re going through sucks and you deserve to complain about that. Don’t forget that! And these types of posts are good blog posts, because they teach those of us who don’t have firsthand experience with cancer what it’s all about. And that might give us the compassion we need to help someone else through their ordeal. Kind of a circle of help type of thing…Anyway, I’m late to the commenting game here, but wanted to give you a good ol’ cyber hug and be my generally incoherent self.

  19. Colorado Writer on May 30, 2007 at 7:34 pm

    Well, crap. I’ve been selfish lately. Missed this post. Hope you are feeling a tiny bit better.(((HUGS)))

Leave a Reply