Where In The World Have I Been?

Or more appropriately, where has the last week gone?? Is this what happens when you go back to work? You’re actually up and out and doing things and the next thing you know, the entire week is gone and you’re onto the next one? And not just the working thing, either, but Todd was in Phoenix last week which meant I was running the kids all over the place just about every night. So who has time to blog? (Sorry Lynilu!)

Saturday I worked in Katie’s room with her. Holy moly, is all I’m gonna say. ‘Cause really, anything else would just be mean. OH ALL RIGHT! I’ve just gotta say a little more. What an absolute disaster! We got a lot done, but we’re far from finished. We did see – and even vacuum – a good deal of carpet that we haven’t see in quite some time. That was exciting.

Saturday night I had a little bit of a meltdown. It was a cumulation of a lot of things – some big, some not so big – all related to cancer in some form or fashion. It sounds pretty lame to me considering I’ve been out of treatment for over three years now. It’s this stinking “new normal”. I don’t like it. I miss the old normal. I was fairly happy with the old normal. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but I was comfortable and content with who I was. Now I have a hard time seeing that same person. And not just my outward appearance, either. Even my way of thinking is different and not necessarily for the better.

I blame Beth Moore for the cryfest. My Home Team is doing her study on David and Friday we watched a video where she talked about the process of dealing with an overwhelming circumstance when you’re close to God. With each step she mentioned I could see a short video of my life three-plus years ago played out and, frankly, it hurt.

I saw myself flat on the floor next to my bed, crying my heart out to God. I saw myself during the days before my surgery, praying the doctor was wrong. I saw myself as I was going through chemo, weeping and praying for success and asking to be around long enough to see my grandchildren. I saw myself when I was weak or in pain or heartbroken over my long distance marriage, praying for the strength to just get to the next day. And I saw myself following all my scans and appointment with my oncologist after my last treatment, praising God and thanking Him for getting me through it all.

Try as I might to go to my happy place and ignore Beth Moore altogether, I couldn’t do it and I ended up in tears. Stupid Beth Moore. Stupid leaky eyes. But what great friends I have to love me despite my little emotional outburst.

After that I was kept pretty busy and didn’t have a lot of time to think about and process the lesson. But deep inside I knew it would happen because there are some things I’m still dealing with that make me very sad, though I tend to just push those matters to the back. But Beth had opened the door and by Saturday night the door flew open and it all came spilling out. Poor Todd. Or I should say poor, wonderful Todd.

There is, as usual, much more to the story that I’m not willing to share. Some things are just too personal (she who wrote nearly every detail of her breast reconstruction says). At least for right now. Some day it will be written down for all to read, though. Because nobody ever told me it would be like this and though I realize everybody is different, I’m finding out these taboo issues are common among survivors.

Not surprisingly, I slept really well Saturday night! And last night, too. I had the hardest time getting out of the bed this morning. Not only that, but I’m just about to admit I’m getting sick. So far I’ve managed to deny it to myself and everyone else, but the sandpaper in my throat can be ignored for only so long. And now it’s after 11:00 and I have to get up early tomorrow!! Because, you know, I’m still working toward that Mother Of The Year thing. Only 352 days left! But I have to say, each freezing morning I get up and out early enough to drive my kids the half a block to the bus stop the less appealing the award is looking to me.

So there you have it. That’s where I’ve been. Right here, doing my thing – whatever that may be.


  1. Gretchen on January 13, 2009 at 1:31 am

    Stupid Beth, indeed. ;)I’m sorry and not sorry to hear you’ve been going through all this (by “this” I mean the cancer stuff, not the room stuff because I’m sure Katie’s room woulda been a mess regardless…just sayin’), Jenster. Sorry because it has to cut so deeply each time. I’m guessing anyway. Of course I won’t pretend to have any idea. But I’m also not sorry. Apparently God isn’t done using this and showing you (somehow) His glory throughout. So…I guess I’m not sorry for that part; for that’s the healing.Hugs.

  2. His Girl on January 13, 2009 at 10:48 am

    Though I hate to hear about the pain and stuff (ugh and the room cleaning… don’t even get me started) I have to say that I agree with Gretchen (as usual) that I am so glad that God is still breathing healing into you, that you are still up and sharing these so that others can heal too. I have no doubt that these ‘breakdowns’ are just part of a bigger, more amazing plan than we can even think of… and I’m honored to get to witness it.in fact, I may have a girl to send to you. she’s 80 percent sure she’s got breast cancer, and her husband is just about to move out of state without her. I told her to be sure, then I’ve got a girl who knows where the drinking water is in that particular valley.

  3. Cheryl Wray on January 13, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    Thanks, as always, for your wonderful honesty on here. Praying that today has been a better day for you!And…ugh on the room cleaning! I can relate (you know. I got three girls).

  4. Monnik on January 13, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    I’m sorry that you’re still having trouble adjusting to the new normal. You have such a powerful relationship with God, though, that I have no doubt that He will carry you through this process.You are such a nice mom. Driving the kids to the bus stop! It was -11 this morning and I just made sure my kids were wearing their snow pants, hats, and mittens. (course my bus stop is only three houses away, but still…)

  5. Becky on January 13, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Sometimes a good cry is necessary, you know? It always helps to have a good hubby and homies to share your burdens with, too.Girlfriend, get this stuff into a book. Seriously. All of it. From diagnosis to the new normal.Prayers and ((hugs)) for you, friend.

  6. The Daily Bee on January 13, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    I’m sad that you’ve been going through this “new normal” feeling this way. It’s funny how everything feels like it’s falling back into place and then, kaboom, things get changed up and old feelings that have been buried reappear. Oh my. I believe God’s getting you all situated and ready to go to let His glory shine in all this, even though it’s been 3 years. Hang in there! You’re one strong women and an inspiration to us all!!Prayers and Hugs!

  7. Lynilu on January 13, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    I don’t understand why it is more important to do your job than to humor us! I just don’t! And your family demands time, too? Well, Jen, I guess you’ve made your choice. sigh.I sincerely hope you are not getting sick. It is that time of year, isn’t it? Take care of yourself as much as possible in the quest for MOTY accolades, OK?

  8. Lori on January 13, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    I’m so sorry yo’re having one of those days. It’s always ok to take a day or two and feel badly for yourself. A good cry cleans out the system. You always amaze me with your optimism and faith. Of course, with being sick, and cleaning… well ya just never know!

  9. radioactive girl on January 14, 2009 at 10:25 am

    I completely understand trying to adjust to the new normal. It isn’t at all what I expected. A lot of times I feel like a completely different person…my thinking is so different now and the way I react to things too. I liked who I was before and I guess I just need to learn to like this new me too.

  10. Sing4joy on January 16, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    When you are ready to spill it all, I am ready to listen.

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